Thursday, 31 August 2017

Twenty years of hurt









Time has flown.

As the headlines are full once again with pictures and recollections of one of the most-mourned women in history, twenty years on from the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, so the memories flood in.

There is little I can meaningfully add to the endless analysis of her legacy, so I return to what I said in this very blog ten years ago:
They say everyone can remember where they were the exact time they found out about the awful news about the death of Diana, Princess of Wales. And yes, I know exactly where I was... Waiting for a ferry early in the morning from Roscoff in Brittany to Plymouth, there was a hastily scribbled A4 sheet of paper pinned to the information booth - "Lady Di dead".

Not understanding the full implication of this, we went back to the car and my boyf at the time translated the local radio reports from French into English. It was true! Our Royal Princess, fashion icon and "friend" was indeed gone for ever - and ironically died in a car crash in the capital of this very country.

The journey home was peculiar. I felt the news had not yet sunk in - not just for me, but also for the hundreds of passengers on board, many of whom were obviously just learning the dreadful news from looking at the widescreen TVs in the breakfast lounge. The gradual stunned silence that fell over what would normally be a chaotic crowd of returning Brits and French back-packers was eerie.

It may be crass to say that Diana herself in any way changed our world, but her death certainly made the biggest emotional impact I have ever known upon the public in Britain and across the globe. International media had made her THE face of a generation, and in death Diana eclipsed any megastar status she could ever have dreamed about.

Many people can make accusations about a "conspiracy" surrounding her accidental death, or about "the real Diana", but in many many ways she continues to live on (in pictures) as the young, beautiful woman we want to remember - an ethereal spectre of a most unusual era in British history.
They were sad days...


RIP, Diana. We still miss you.

Wednesday, 30 August 2017

A robot that couldn’t even be arsed


Taylor Swift’s new song does not have deeper levels and is just a shit thing, it has been confirmed.

The singer’s latest release Look What You Made Me Do has prompted widespread speculation about hidden layers of meaning within its lyrical and visual content. However experts have confirmed it is simply shit.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Is Swift swiping at some mysterious enemies, or rather reinventing herself as some classical archetype of the warlike goddess figure?

“Is this a piece of modern situationist art that toys with notions of identity and presents consumerist clichés in a smart post-modern way?

“It’s hard to say but I can definitely tell you it’s shit. Really, really shit. Like it was made by a robot, but a robot that couldn’t even be arsed.”


Responding to the song’s massive Youtube success, Brubaker said: “Well it has got sexy girls in it. You may not have noticed but internet users seem to respond quite well to that.”
The Daily Mash

Of course.

Tuesday, 29 August 2017

'Cause when you're down, bring your inner diva around



Oh.

Good.

Grief.

It's back to work time again - and after a three-day break in the sunshine, I am just not ready for this.

Hey ho.

At least there's some heart-warming news - Olympic athlete Colin Jackson has [and about bloody time, too!] finally decided to publicly "come out". And here, to welcome him - and to cheer our weary way back to the drudgery of the office - is one of my fave choons of 2011, the [sadly overlooked] classic, Sparkle (featuring the estimable tonsils of one of the stars of LaBelle, Miss Sarah Dash!


Crystal
Is it blinding you?
Diamond Studded
Only you can cut it
You shine
From within
Without anything

Don't ask, don't tell?
We gonna flaunt it
Give 'em all hell
Put a ring on it

And when its cold
You better bring your weather with you
Put your game face on
Stay strong
And sparkle
And when it's dark
Remember that the sunshine's in you
You got thunder, lightning, shine and sparkle

Is a star's shining brightly and you like it
Don't just step into its shadow
There's a fierce lion roaring in you and you know it
And he's coming out loud now

Divas
Liza
Chaka
Mariah
Even Gaga too
Sarah
Aretha
Madonna
Diana lives in you

'Cause when you're down
Bring your inner diva around
She will brighten, curtain up and sparkle
And when your low
You gotta just go on with the show
Put your mask on, make-up, smile and sparkle

And when its cold
You better bring your weather with you
Put your game face on
Stay strong
And sparkle
And when it's dark
Remember that the sunshine's in you
You got thunder, lightning, shine and sparkle

When the battery's down
Charger can't be found
All you've got is what you feel
The connection's out
You try to find another route
Life keeps on getting mighty real
No need for special effects
Simply reconnect
To all you can be thankful for
Between the spirit and the flash
Only you know what's best
It's a place you've been before

And when its cold
You better bring your weather with you
Put your game face on
Stay strong
And sparkle
And when it's dark
Remember that the sunshine's in you
You got thunder, lightning, shine and sparkle

'Cause when you're down
Bring your inner-diva around
She will brighten, curtain up and sparkle
And when your low
You gotta just go on with the show
Put your mask on, make-up, smile and sparkle


I try, I try...

Monday, 28 August 2017

He's gotta be fresh from the fight



Today is the centenary of that most amazingly imaginative graphic artist Jack Kirby, creator of The Fantastic Four, Dr Doom, The Incredible Hulk, The Mighty Thor, Loki, The Uncanny X-Men, Magneto, Iron Man, The Inhumans, Ant-Man and the Wasp, The Avengers, Captain America and the Black Panther, and many many more superheroes of the golden age of Marvel comics [of which I was a huge fan when I was a kid, and, truth be told, still am - although less so the movie versions]...

..it also happens to be the "last knockings" of another Tacky Music Monday [needless to say, on this Bank Holiday, almost entirely spent in the garden from arising this morning(ish), through the beautiful sunshine and sunset, till the cool of the night], and I have just the thing for Mr Kirby's birthday - how about an "oom-pah" band version of Dear Bonnie's most "heroic" masterpiece, for your delectation...?


Love it!

Sunday, 27 August 2017

I pour the drinks and crush the flowers



Timeslip moment again [to round off another delightful day's pottering in the sunny garden]...

Our Winnebago spaceship Eagle 5 has dropped us off in this week thirty years ago! In the news in late August 1987: the Hungerford massacre committed by Michael Ryan continued to engross the nation, as the death toll reached sixteen; the AIDS crisis was sweeping the UK; mass rallies in Estonia began its path towards full-scale rebellion against the USSR; the Order of the Garter was opened to women; in the ascendant were Michael Jackson (whose new album Bad went on to sell 35 million copies worldwide) and Lovastatin (the first of the cholesterol-reducing statins to be licensed for sale and use); but former "media darling" politician David Owen was in the doldrums (he had resigned as leader of the SDP after the party's decision to merge with the Liberals, and formed a breakaway party to limited success). In our cinemas: Lethal Weapon, Blind Date and An American Tail. On telly: The Ruth Rendell Mysteries; The Cook Report; sitcom Watching; and 24-hour telly began in the London and East Anglia ITV regions.

But what was in the charts this week in 1987? Hitting the the top spot for the first time was that eternal fave Rick Astley and Never Gonna Give You Up. Also in attendance in the Top Ten were such diverse talents as Sinitta, New Order, Linda Ronstadt & James Ingram, Def Leppard, Wet Wet Wet, Michael Jackson and Spagna.

But, held off the #1 position (and ultimately denied the honour by Rick's long reign) was this one [a song that, remarkably, I have never featured on this blog before, despite the fact we adore all the artists concerned] - this sublime collaboration between Pet Shop Boys and Dusty Springfield:


You always wanted a lover
I only wanted a job
I’ve always worked for my living
How’m I gonna get through?
How’m I gonna get through?

I come here looking for money
(Got to have it)
and end up leaving with love
Now you’ve left me with nothing
(Can’t take it)
How’m I gonna get through?
How’m I gonna get through?

I bought you drinks, I brought you flowers
I read your books and talked for hours
Every day so many drinks
such pretty flowers, so tell me
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
What have I, what have I, what have I…

Since you went away I’ve been hanging around
I’ve been wondering why I’m feeling down
You went away, it should make me feel better
but I don’t know how I’m gonna get through
How I’m gonna get through

You always wanted me to be something I wasn’t
You always wanted too much
Now I can do what I want to forever
How’m I gonna get through?
How’m I gonna get through?

At night, the people come and go
They talk too fast and walk too slow
Chasing time from hour to hour
I pour the drinks and crush the flowers
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
What have I, what have I, what have I done to deserve this?
What have I, what have I, what have I...

Since you went away I’ve been hanging around
I’ve been wondering why I’m feeling down
You went away, it should make me feel better
but I don’t know how I’m gonna get through
How I’m gonna get through

We don’t have to fall apart, we don’t have to fight
We don’t need to go to hell and back every night
We could make a deal

What have I done to deserve this?


Thirty years?! Where did they go?

Saturday, 26 August 2017

Sing it, yeah!



For once, it's a beautifully sunny and warm Bank Holiday weekend! Usually we're in cagoules in the UK, but today we were bathed in sunshine as we toiled away at the extensive gardens here at Dolores Delargo Towers: tackling the benighted Fuchsia Gall Mite by judicious (and on some plants, drastic) pruning; watering and feeding; and generally tidying one's unruly bush...

The glorious weather is set to continue throughout the long weekend, with highs of 27C predicted for Monday. I'm with birthday boy Dr. Alban (who blows out sixty candles today) - let's Sing Hallelujah!



Dr. Alban (born Alban Uzoma Nwapa, 26th August 1957)

Friday, 25 August 2017

Relax



Thank heavens for that. It's almost the end of a most trying week - as I settle into the complexities and extraneous pressures of my new role, I am very grateful at the prospect of a long Bank Holiday weekend ahead!

To get the party started, how about an old, old fave? It's Miss Sheila and her B Devotion boys versus the sexy Mika [both Leos, incidentally - born on the same day, 18th August] and the song that always makes me think of holidays, Relax (Take it Easy):



Thank Disco it's (Bank Holiday) Friday!

Thursday, 24 August 2017

Vocal cords made of tweed



"My vocal cords are made of tweed. I give off an air of Oxford donnishness and old BBC wirelesses."



"Let's face it, I do not get offered the parts that Brad Pitt has just turned down."

"It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that', as if that gives them certain rights. It's no more than a whine. It has no meaning, it has no purpose, it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I'm offended by that.' Well, so fucking what?"

"Temperance is wickedness."




"Swearing is a really important part of one's life. It would be impossible to imagine going through life without swearing and without enjoying swearing... There used to be mad, silly, prissy people who used to say swearing was a sign of a poor vocabulary - such utter nonsense. The people I know who swear the most tend to have the widest vocabularies and the kind of person who says swearing is a sign of a poor vocabulary usually have a pretty poor vocabulary themselves."

"The beauty of the brain is that you can still be as greedy as you like for knowledge and it doesn’t show."

"I don't need you to remind me of my age, I have a bladder to do that for me."




Happy 60th birthday, Mr Stephen John Fry (born 24th August 1957)

Wednesday, 23 August 2017

Every day seems a lifetime



Just because...

...it has been a bitch of a day with endless increasingly dull meetings - here's an old fave from the vaults [and yes! I have featured it several times; but one just cannot have too much shimmying]. Make way for the Kessler Sisters!

Tuesday, 22 August 2017

Look on my works, ye mites, and despair!*





We are inordinately proud here at Dolores Delargo Towers of the vast and magnificent collection of Fuchsias we have amassed in only a few years - 54 named varieties so far, and many duplicates/cuttings thereof. This year, we covered the entire wall and fence at the foot of the garden with troughs and hanging pots full of the buggers; many more are gathered together en masse in pots and troughs all around the extensive gardens...

True to form, a beast arrived this year to taunt our ambition to cover the world in glorious pinks, purples, reds and mauves - the Fuchsia Gall Mite.

Commonly known round these parts by the "scientific" name Yewutter bastardii, it has decided that our gardens are particularly to its liking, given the profusion of its chosen food plant - and we can only watch as it gnarls and cankers its way through our collection.

This was a particularly lovely recent addition in 2017, Jack Shahan, here pictured in early July:



...and this is what the mites have done to it!



The pattern is repeated - to a greater and lesser degree - all over. Some varieties appear to be completely unscathed (so far), however - among them old "garden favourites" and cultivars with sturdy parentage such as [l-r below] Paula Jane, Delta's Sara, Elfriede Ott and Lady Boothby:



It would appear that our dramatic, massively blousy-flowered "Southern Belles" varieties (such as Bella Rosella, Annabelle, Voodoo, Quasar, Deep Purple, Pink Marshmallow and Quasar) may have shrugged it off, as has the tiny-flowered Foolke and the species Fuchsias such as Thalia, but "dead common" supermarket-shelf varieties such as Display, Mrs Popple, Marinka and Eva Boerg are ravaged. Which is odd.

Worse yet, according to the RHS and the British Fuchsia Society, there is currently no effective remedy. The only spray that was available - abamectin & thiamethoxam - has been banned by (guess who?) the EU. No currently available garden pesticides appear to work. Some predatory mites may have success in keeping down the populations but a) they're very expensive; and b) there is no guarantee they will do the job. So we are faced with the prospect of a "Fuchsia massacre" - the only way of ridding the plant of the problem is to prune it, and in doing so we risk losing branches with otherwise unaffected flowers...

So much for trying to create a glorious collection of one of nature's most beautiful garden flowers.

I could scream.

Download The British Fuchsia Society guide to Fuchsia Gall Mite [PDF]

[* apologies for the extraordinarily poor pun on the classic work by Mr Shelley]

In the dark


There will be a darkness cloaking America for at least the next three years, it has emerged.

Millions of Americans took to the streets to hopefully watch the sun emerge from behind the moon, only to find that their country remained shrouded in darkness.

Tom Booker, from Oregon, said: “I guess we are stuck with the darkness, unless investigations into the darkness’s business practices turn up anything juicy and it gets removed.

“But I can’t imagine the darkness will go easily because it’s big and fat and sticky.

“On the plus side, I am saving a fortune on sun cream.”


Emma Bradford from Florida said: “I just avoid looking directly at the darkness, because it can make you go a bit insane.

“The best thing is to not think about it too much, keep eating slightly too much food, and hope this year brings another Lego Movie.”
The Daily Mash

Of course.

The "real" story

Monday, 21 August 2017

Hi Ho



Oh no. It's here!

On this Tacky Music Monday, I feel like a Princess lost in a world in which I was not destined to live - just like Amy Adams and her friends...


Have a good week. I won't.

Sunday, 20 August 2017

Alma, piedad, corazón


Our Sal not posing for the camera at all

Having a bit of a slow day, all round - partly in recovery after sinking vast amounts of alcohol (and some food) at our annual picnic in Regent's Park yesterday, and partly suffering the "slough of despond" that envelops us when we realise it is the last day of freedom before going back to work tomorrow...

Here's a little oddball music that is estimably suitable for a Sunday such as this, courtesy of Les Elgart and his Orchestra:


Hay en el beso que te di
Alma, piedad, corazón
Dime que sabes tu sentir
Lo mismo que siento yo
Quiero que vivas solo para mí
Why que tu vayas por donde yo voy
Para que mi alma sea no mas de ti
Bésame con frenesí


Apparently.

Please don't Twist too vigorously.

Saturday, 19 August 2017

Nice to see you; to see you...



...Nice!





And so, farewell to Sir Bruce Forsyth; yet another mainstay of British light entertainment, a man beloved of generations - his career spanned more than 75 years, a rival to Betty White! - not least for his remarkably successful turns in shows such as Sunday Night at the London Palladium, The Generation Game, Play Your Cards Right and Strictly Come Dancing.

A former strong-man and teenage Music Hall star, a trained dancer, singer, comedian and genial host, Bruce Forsyth epitomised that (unfortunately fading) genre known as "variety". He was - or so it seemed - always "there"; always a pivotal persona on our television screens, always prime-time, never off-beat or in the sidelines.

He was indeed "Mister Entertainment" [and it is no surprise, really, that the other bearer of that title Sammy Davis Junior was a very close friend}. Here he is, performing with another of the all-time great all-rounders, Miss Cilla Black...


RIP Sir Bruce Joseph Forsyth-Johnson CBE (22nd February 1928 – 18th August 2017)

Friday, 18 August 2017

Tijd voor een feestje



It may be the continuation of our holiday, albeit in London - getting the place ready for guests, and shopping for our grand Summer Picnic in Regent's Park tomorrow - but it is still the end of another week, so we need something a bit special to get us in the party mood.

I always like to annoy entertain you, dear reader, with a little "something" from our travels - so let's enjoy the "talents" of Den Haag's finest, a band [somewhat confusingly, given the success of a certain similarly-titled US funk band] called Earth & Fire...

They're celebrating the Weekend, and so are we - Thank Disco(?) It's Friday!


Have a good one, mijn vrienden!

Thursday, 17 August 2017

Thin ice






Once upon a time I could get my legs that high, too

Lordy. Olympic gold-medal-winning ice skater Robin Cousins is sixty years old today!

Why the interest, I hear you ask?

In my youthful heyday, many people thought I looked like Mr Cousins (no bad thing, I must admit) - even to the point where I signed a little girl's autograph book "Best Wishes, Robin Cousins"..!

Nowadays, I look more like Bea Arthur.

Hey ho - let's have a bit of ice skating madness to celebrate!

Wednesday, 16 August 2017

While you were away...



And so, we're back, from outer space Amsterdam - and suffice to say, we had a marvellous time! From night-time sleaze-pits to daytime botanical gardens, from promenades along the grachten to schlager sing-a-longs, from FEBO to "happy hour" drinkies and back again...



But what did we miss while we were whooping it up, Netherlands-style?

We waved a sad goodbye to the marvellous Glen Campbell (who I blogged about, in a roundabout way, nine years ago), and also to the divine Miss Barbara Cook (who we saw in her one-woman show Mostly Sondheim way back in 2002):


In the news it was mainly "business as usual", with the continuing battle about the terms for Britain leaving the EU, and the to-be-expected "willy-waving" threats and counter-threats between North Korea and the US. Meanwhile, anarchic race-hate thuggery re-emerged in the USA (and Trump, as ever, couldn't bring himself to take sides); neither Usain Bolt nor Sir Mo Farah retired on a high in the World Athletics Championships; rumours abounded (well, in the Daily Star, anyway) about a possible engagement announcement for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle; and controversy raged over Health Minister Jeremy Hunt's £44,000 toilet.



We missed the centenary of the cartoonist Dik Browne, creator of Hagar the Horrible, and what would have been the 65th of iconic photographer Herb Ritts...



...we missed the 70th birthday of glamour-pulp novelist Danielle Steel (and the 105th of her predecessor in the multi-million-selling romantic novel stakes, Georgette Heyer), and that of Steeleye Span singer Maddy Prior. And, of course, today is Our Glorious Leader Madonna's birthday - and we daren't forget that - so here's a classic of hers that still remains on the playlist at many a bar in the 'Dam [but probably not in Charlottesville, Virginia at the moment]:


Is it good to be back? No.

Friday, 11 August 2017

Mijn Mokums paradijs



By the time you read this, dear reader, we should already be in the most beautiful city of them all - and singing along with Johnny Jordaan, no doubt...


"Normal" service will resume next Tuesday...

Thursday, 10 August 2017

This is me



On this day in..
1678 – France and the Dutch Republic signed the first Treaty of Nijmegen, ending war between the two countries - and in celebration, Marc-Antoine Charpentier wrote his Te Deum, the prelude of which is better known as the Eurovision Song Contest theme:


1787 - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart completed his chamber piece Eine kleine Nachtmusik:


1897 - Jack Haley, the "Tin Man" in The Wizard of Oz was born:


1923 - The birth of Rhonda Fleming:


1950 - The premiere of Sunset Boulevard starring William Holden and Gloria Swanson took place in New York:


1963 - I was born.

Oh, and...

1970 - Jim Morrison went on trial for “lewd & lascivious behaviour” in public by exposing his private parts and by simulating masturbation and oral copulation.

How appropriate.

As is this, dear reader!


Funny how a lonely day can make a person say:
What good is my life?
Funny how a breaking heart can make me start to say:
What good is my life?
Funny how I often seem, to think I'll never find a dream
In my life
Till I look around and see, this great big world is part of me
And my life

This is my life
Today, tomorrow, love will come and find me
But that's the way that I was born to be
This is me
This is me

This is my life
And I don't give a damn for lost emotions
I've such a lot of love I've got to give
Let me live
Let me live

Sometime when I feel afraid, I think of what a mess I've made
Of my life
Crying over my mistakes, forgetting all the breaks I've had
In my life
I was put on earth to be, a part of this great world is me
And my life
Guess I'll just add up the score, and count the things I'm grateful for
In my life

This is my life
Today, tomorrow, love will come and find me
But that's the way that I was born to be
This is me
This is me

This is my life
And I don't give a damn for lost emotions
I've such a lot of love I've got to give
Let me live
Let me live

This is my life
This is my life
This is my life


Roll on Amsterdam!

Wednesday, 9 August 2017

Niet in mijn oren prikke*



I know I only kicked off the countdown this morning, but here's something that's not merely in the true spirit of our favourite city, but also has the added benefit of a "totty of the day" as well!

It's doubtful many people would pay much attention to a song about pigeons - but with its singer Waldemar Torenstra, this is a sight for sore eyes...


I do hope we encounter something like that on our travels.

["Do not peck my ears" in Dutch. Apparently.]

You're the Top(per)!



The countdown to Amsterdam this weekend may have started somewhat late, dear reader - but who else would we ever choose to begin the party than...

...de Toppers?!!

Definitely the campest thing since gesneden brood, they have sold out the massive Amsterdam Arena twenty-eight times since 2005 - and their sequin-clad tickets are many times over-subscribed every year. It is still our ambition to get to one of their spectacular shows one day, however. And it's not difficult to see why we desperately want to be there...

...all together, now!


De Toppers on Wikipedia

Tuesday, 8 August 2017

European Blues? Not likely!



Having a very slow day here at Dolores Delargo Towers, in the company of more impossibly glamorous people in beautiful clothing and in exotic climes - again...

Thank heavens for Soft Tempo Lounge, I say.


Music: Honey Moon by Rovi (aka Piero Umiliani)

Of course, we don't have "European Blues" at all - we're off to Amsterdam on Friday!

Monday, 7 August 2017

Walk in the sunshine of your heart



Darlings! We're back from Essex and the Hyde Hall RHS show - without a surfeit of new plants, I might add; how very restrained of us - and just in time to close proceedings on another Tacky Music Monday. (Joy of joys - without the prospect of work to cloud the usual Monday mood!)

What better to lead the way in our mission to provide the world with a little song-n-dance-sunshine than a new discovery - today's birthday celebrant [and recently, after all the rumours that apparently surrounded her for years, self-declared lady lesbian] Miss Lana Cantrell?

A complete mystery to those of us in the UK, Australian Lana nevertheless carved herself a career as a light entertainment TV stalwart and chanteuse in America in the 1960s, and latterly has become a top lawyer in Noo Yawk. Quite the career gal - and she knows how to work those dancers..!


Lena Cantrell (born 7th August 1943)

Saturday, 5 August 2017

That's the way...



We're off on our travels - only as far as Essex, admittedly; no passports needed - for the RHS Hyde Hall Flower Show with Baby Steve and Houseboy Alex. The weather looks like it will be fine and dry, and all's well with the world.

It would also have been the birthday today of that most amazing "triumph of art over nature", Mr Pete Burns of Dead or Alive - so let's have an appropriate send-off with their very first hit! Lord knows what KC made of this...


When you take me by the hand
Tell me I'm your loving man
When you give me all your love
And do it the very best you can


Mummy, I'm scared.

Friday, 4 August 2017

Party down



Wheee! It's not just a weekend - it's my last day on the office for two weeks!

We have my birthday visit to Amsterdam to look forward to next weekend, and this weekend we are escaping the athletics-dominated environs of London for the RHS flower show at Hyde Hall, staying with the boys in Essex...

Speaking of "athletic" - a tenuous link if ever there was one - to usher in the celebrations, here's Players Association (with the estimable assistance of Legs & Co) and Turn The Music Up - Thank Disco It's Friday!


Turn the music up
Turn the music up
Turn it up
Party down
C'mon!


We will - will you?

Thursday, 3 August 2017

Oh, the good life, full of fun seems to be the ideal


Me and Hils at Gay Pride 2017

Happy birthday to my dear sister! [It hardly seems a year since we were all at her 50th birthday bash...]

Let's let fellow birthday boy Mr Tony Bennett take it from here:

Wednesday, 2 August 2017

The lot of you!


Prince Philip has completed his last public engagement, locked the gates of Buckingham Palace and told crowds to ‘fuck off out of it’ for the last time.

The 96-year-old’s final engagement concluded outside the palace, after which the Queen’s consort glanced around at the assembled crowds and prepared to unleash his obscene finale.

Philip shuffled through the palace gates, locking them behind him and adding a new chain and lock purchased at his own expense from a nearby hardware store, before adding: “I don’t know what you think you’re all looking at.”

He then made a shooing motion and said “Go on, fuck off out of it, the lot of you” which sent cheers echoing down the Mall as gentlemen threw their bowler hats in the air and ladies waved their lace handkerchiefs.

The band of the Grenadier Guards then played a specially commissioned piece entitled I Hate Every Last Fucking One of You.

A Palace spokesman said: “The Duke of Edinburgh has retired from public life and requests Britain to leave him alone, especially those cheeky little bastards who keep kicking their ball against the wall and calling him a ‘nonce’.

“He hopes to now finally do something worthwhile.”
The Daily Mash

Of course.

The "real" story

Tuesday, 1 August 2017